Angry (loud) or Angry (quiet)?

today my arm was twisted and i was subjected to hours of child care followed by hours of computer repair. i hate watching children. i used to think it was because i hate responsibility but i'm not so sure anymore. i think i just fear the emotional responsibility of having a little black box following you around. you cuss, they cuss. you play with tools, they play with tools. its cute until your son watches you fix something and then takes a hammer to your laptop- not that that's happened to me mind you, i'm just saying thats how it happened with me.

Besides that, my public "tough guy" personae doesn't jive well with a loving caretaker. when i'm not in the mood for a kid to be around, it shows. part of me is really worried for my future kid. hes gonna have to put up with me as much as i put up with him. i think thats why i have such high hopes for my future "significant other". she would have to wear one of those silver suits i always see them put on around molten steele. or one of those bomb disarming suits. really she just needs to not be scared of me. and sometimes i have the tendency to be scary. fire and ice, i guess. because when i'm not angry (loud) i'm angry (quiet). i say nothing and walk away.

She would have to keep me from turning to stone on a daily basis. not an easy task, i'd say. when somethings bothering me and i can't yell or talk i tend to sit around and let it eat me from the inside out until i can process the information through a friend or meditation. talking to her would help but i've never had a girl i could talk to. needless to say, communication has been listed as one of my big dating problems. she asks: what's wrong? I say: nothing. we can play this game for hours. Why don't i just tell her?

most of the time i'm just reluctant to open up. i think, "if it takes a lot to get it out of me, she'll pay attention to what i have to say." assuming she has now asked enough times to get me to say anything at all, i need her to pay attention to what i have to say without interruption and respond in a way that at least shows that she has understood what i've said. I KNOW. i know. i ask too much. those requirements have kept me quiet for years. its easier to just say, "nothing."