Goodbye Poem

yesterday was Saturday
and you called to say its all ok
and that you'll be back someday
but I would not play
I could not listen
and I would not stay

Frenemies

Friends are people with whom you share personal affection or high regard. I guess lately I’ve hit the update button in my life and a lot of old definitions are being rewritten. The old definitions were ok but they left a few questions unanswered.

1. If you rarely talk to someone (maybe once or twice a year) can you really call them a friend?

2. If you put your neck out for a friend, do they need to repay the favor?

3. Can you have sex with a friend without losing them?

4. If you don’t agree with the way a friend is living their life, is it ok to say something? Should you still be friends with them if they choose not to change?

5. If they hurt you in the past, should you accept their apology?

Lately the questions have been piling up. My old way of thinking? I’d run away. I would do nothing until my friend tried to say something about it. I like to react. When you act first there are a million possible answers; but when you react, there are usually only one or two possibilities. I would choose whichever broke my heart less.

Nowadays I’m doing things a bit differently. I still run away but when I come back I’ve usually got something to say. Things are not okay! I had to move twice because of you! You fucked me over! I’m not mad we didn’t hook up, I’m mad you were such a terrible friend! You don’t want it to be weird? Then why did you wait 6 months before you decided to not be a passive aggressive bitch?! NO! ITS NOT OKAY! I didn’t need a phone call. I don’t want a visit. You say you’re coming back and you’re seeing somebody new and we’re gonna see each other and you don’t want it to be weird? Stay 2000 miles away and it won’t be weird. You didn’t give us a second thought when you left and now it’s the dolled up, fake, pretentious Arizonans that you miss? Go fuck yourself. I hope I never see you again, our time apart has apparently only served to make you think I’m a fool… Worry not, it won’t be weird. If I’m out at a bar with 5 friends and a $200 tab when you walk through the door, worry not. I won’t be there for long. If I am unable to schedule time with mutual acquaintances separate from you, then I will simply not know those people anymore.

Of course, not everyone who gets my teeth deserves them. I have dismissed friends, girl friends, family members, and even myself as a threat at one point or another. The ones who last are the ones who have patience with me. It’s fair. I only ask as much patience from people as they demand from me. People should treat others the way they want to be treated right? Yet there are people who treat others like garbage and only karma is given the privilege of cutting these people down to size. Maybe it could work in reverse? Should we not treat people the way they treat us?

Do you know what a firewall is? In a car it goes between the engine and the passengers. Everything under the hood is sacrificed to protect what’s really important; same with crumple zones. In a restaurant, it goes between the kitchen and the dining room. On your computer: between your harddrive and the internet. Like crumple zones, and those blocks of metal they clamp to boat engines, and those plants that distract bugs from crops. Parts designed to fail. Designated weaknesses. 

Introduction

On new years 2010, i told myself that this year would be different. I had returned from the army 4 years earlier but I still wasn't home. i had moved 10 or so times in my life and even though i own lots of things, all of them fit into boxes. All my possessions can be packed into 1 trailer or 3 truckloads and unpacked into a bedroom size space within 24 hours at all times.

I had struggled with a weight problem for most of my life, (even through the army). my weight never really hurt my dance card, but i always felt fat. I had a girlfriend for most of my life (though I was close with very few of them) but i knew, "i was what someone had settled for" (at least physically) and that subconscious message affected the way i thought about women ever since. my father had joked that i was the only man in Phoenix that refused to take his shirt off. The same held true in Iraq.

In Iraq my dad told me about the bar he'd bought. A swank jazz club full of cougars and the Arizona elite. At the time (2004) soldiers were treated like rock-stars. guys would make sure to flash their military id so the whole bar could buy them drinks all night long. and they were happy to do it. We were fucking war heroes and those were good times. After Iraq I had one more year in Germany.

Germany was like living in Saving Private Ryan except there's no war, everyone under 30 speaks English and the nightclubs are all open till 5. I loved it there; I had already reinvented myself once to make new friends- Great friends. But after 12 months in Iraq, some had died, some went home, some were transferred, some had been made into real heroes, others... demoted in disgrace. Shifting tides told me to go home. So i called the states and told my dad I’d help run his bar, which by this time was a total mess. My parents also decided it was time to tell me that they'd gotten divorced... And by the way, "you may have a step-brother."

I spent the subsequent 3 years desperately trying to save my father’s restaurant as it sank slowly into a dismal economy which had already taken my war money and my college fund. Every 3 months... things'll be better in 3 months... 3 months later, we would sit around and talk about how we would've been better off closed (but we can't due to contractual obligations). The restaurant was a money pit and took millions of dollars before my father called it quits. Some of the only good things to come out of that restaurant were a few good friends and tales of romance. Also, a happy accident of the recession was that someone had defaulted on a payment to my parents for a property they had sold. They took back the property and continued to run it in order to make ends meet.

With no bartending job, I tried being a private investigator but found the work tedious and time consuming. I got a job watching the door at a strip club and found the easiest work that this great land has to offer. I would spend my day watching naked women and taking palmed twenty dollar bills. Eventually they were tens, then fives. Before long the guys were fighting for hours and I wasn’t the biggest guy there. my mother and sister had convinced me to return to school and my new best friend had convinced me i was a writer. off i went, swinging my lunchbox as I skipped, back to community college.

School was less of an issue after the army. My English teacher told me i should look into a creative writing class and gave me a professors name. I took the class and enjoyed it very much. But I started to notice that my classmates at the community college were failing to challenge me.

As if to answer my prayers, the veterans affairs guy says, “hey, ya know there’s a new g.i. bill coming out. I think you qualify.” Next thing I know, all my bills are paid for. All I have to do is go to school. Any school. So I quit my job and transferred to asu. Once I got there, I started to notice the people. They were smarter… smarter than me? And they were gorgeous. Like trendy statues. The frat boys especially.. they all had muscles like athletes. That’s the difference. White collars can spot each other. The haves can differentiate themselves from the have nots. That’s why college is so important. I realized that if I wanted to be anything better than a doorman at a strip club I’d need to drop 70 pounds, get a degree, stop dressing like a goon, and develop some social skills. I would have to fit in. So I did.

for the first time in my life, a doctor can't tell me i'm obese, even though he may not agree with the way i got the weight off. i'm single for the first time in three years, and more importantly, i can flirt with girls and get them to flirt back. my confidence never needed a boost, but the new-found attention makes me feel unstoppable.

I spent some money on new clothes to fit the smaller me and they’re much nicer than my old ones. I have two years left before the military cuts my benefits. Hopefully I can get a bachelors by then and hopefully there’ll be a job to compete for.

In the mean time I get to enjoy the life I always wanted but never had time for. This year’s activities include: A camping trip, MC Chris live in concert, Electric Daisy Carnival, Disneyland, Burning Man. Among others. At the time of writing some have already taken place while others have yet to occur. It became obvious very early this year that things were about to be different and as the events unfolded, I realized that I could float through the nebulous void of space for eternity thinking back and trying to remember how it all happened. And that’s why I started to write here. Musings, stories, transformational revelations all laid bare for anyone who cares to read. Leave a comment if you like.

-L

Angry (loud) or Angry (quiet)?

today my arm was twisted and i was subjected to hours of child care followed by hours of computer repair. i hate watching children. i used to think it was because i hate responsibility but i'm not so sure anymore. i think i just fear the emotional responsibility of having a little black box following you around. you cuss, they cuss. you play with tools, they play with tools. its cute until your son watches you fix something and then takes a hammer to your laptop- not that that's happened to me mind you, i'm just saying thats how it happened with me.

Besides that, my public "tough guy" personae doesn't jive well with a loving caretaker. when i'm not in the mood for a kid to be around, it shows. part of me is really worried for my future kid. hes gonna have to put up with me as much as i put up with him. i think thats why i have such high hopes for my future "significant other". she would have to wear one of those silver suits i always see them put on around molten steele. or one of those bomb disarming suits. really she just needs to not be scared of me. and sometimes i have the tendency to be scary. fire and ice, i guess. because when i'm not angry (loud) i'm angry (quiet). i say nothing and walk away.

She would have to keep me from turning to stone on a daily basis. not an easy task, i'd say. when somethings bothering me and i can't yell or talk i tend to sit around and let it eat me from the inside out until i can process the information through a friend or meditation. talking to her would help but i've never had a girl i could talk to. needless to say, communication has been listed as one of my big dating problems. she asks: what's wrong? I say: nothing. we can play this game for hours. Why don't i just tell her?

most of the time i'm just reluctant to open up. i think, "if it takes a lot to get it out of me, she'll pay attention to what i have to say." assuming she has now asked enough times to get me to say anything at all, i need her to pay attention to what i have to say without interruption and respond in a way that at least shows that she has understood what i've said. I KNOW. i know. i ask too much. those requirements have kept me quiet for years. its easier to just say, "nothing."

Better Off Alone

Tonight I sat in the dark and closed my eyes and thought about all the times you let me die. But what about the dog? You scoffed in my face and said not my prob. i just need a ride you're the only one around. You said you didn't feel well and left me to find another way. You’ve been having parties at your house? You’d know if you cared more. I went to see a movie with my sister. And forgot to invite me. I can't do this anymore again. And again. and again. Enough.

I decided to get to know the man you love. So one night, I broke into your nest and stole your house plant. I gave him water and sunshine and turned off the TV. We sat for awhile and talked about you. He said he didn't get it but I knew the truth it was you that screwed up. So I washed off his roots and put him in the ground. I let him come and visit when he learned to walk and we went to the mall he got a new look and even learned to talk. We even started taking field trips to the jungle.

A year has gone by. One year of silence but not of celibacy. you siren me closer but my heart kept me far away but a casual party seems just like the place to come and gloat and show that things have changed. Years gone by what have you done? Same old? 9 to 5? Mortgage? Making a nest and then flying home? ME? Half the weight and three times the charm with a heavy suit of armor so you can't harm.

I never trusted you. You’re a liar and a cheater and narcissistic psychopath and hows your mom? As if i care! That woman hated me! The truth is that you're just as neurotic as she is. What she says she don't mean. Just like you. Every time we talk things have changed. Today you're different. This time you're the same. Well guess what? It’s a year later and I’m 2.0 I’m new and improved. A year ago you were weren't smarter than a fifth grader, now I’m in college. Is that your final answer? Is this your lifeline? Wrong! You guessed wrong! You look like a fool in front of your friends who all look like fools in front of me.

What am I doing? I’m Iron Man at the Special Olympics. I don't need to show off. And even if I did, you'd have to look up to get my jokes. Progress report: F minus. You failed. We needed time apart and instead you fell apart. So I’m leaving. Not that you'd notice through the haze, and the booze, and the vomit. I thought I needed to grow up for you so I spent a year to become the man you wanted and all you did was show me I was better off alone.